So obviously this blog has taken a dramatic turn since Felix’s diagnosis last month. I suspect I won’t be sharing healthy recipes or tips for natural living for quite some time, if ever again. The events of the last eight weeks have kind of rattled my entire life, and I have no idea where it’s going to go from here.
But I can’t stop writing. Writing is how I process my own thoughts and how I cope. And I’ve decided to continue sharing some of my writing here on the blog, even though it is completely different from what readers have come to expect from Becoming Peculiar. I want to do this for a number of reasons:
- In part, because I draw hope from the possibility that someone else going through similar things will get encouragement. Like I said in my last post, it’s important to find fellow sufferers and to not suffer alone. This is one way I’m reaching out.
- To keep family and friends updated. (Facebook alone doesn’t always cut it.) Since we’re currently living in the hospital two hours away from home, this is one way to stay connected to everyone back home.
- For myself, as a record of my trials. I hope that someday, when all this is over, I can look back and draw strength from knowing that with the love and support of my community, I made it through. I hope that I will be able to see that God was present through all of it, even when I felt abandoned. (Because honestly, most days I feel like God is a total and complete jerk and that there is no meaning to any of this. I’m hoping someday I will feel differently.)
After thinking it over, I am planning to post quite frequently, though my posts will not be nearly as edited and polished as they used to be. I just don’t have the time to edit everything. I’ll share stuff as I write it. It will probably be clumsy and weird at times, with fewer pictures, and zero “pinnable” graphics. It might even be kind of blasphemous at times, and I’m sorry about that. But it will be honest and heartfelt.
And on that note, I also want to add the following:
It’s TOTALLY OKAY if you don’t want to read it.
I’m sorry that most of what I share will probably be rather depressing. I understand that my blog has become kind of a bummer.
Back when my life was perfect (read: every day of my life until December 2, 2014), I could not and would not read stories of real-life heartbreak.
I refused to read stories about children with cancer or other life-threatening illnesses, or from families that had experienced loss. I just couldn’t bear it. It was too much sadness. And they reminded me that my own life’s perfection could be threatened at any moment. I didn’t want to think about that. It made me sick to my stomach.
In my blog roll, if anything too sad popped up, I would intentionally skip over it. Sorry, grieving family. I can’t deal with your sadness.
But now that I’m living it, I can’t read anything else. I can hardly stand to read stuff from happy, healthy families. I struggle too much with the envy, and the feeling that they have no clue. I mostly just want to hear from other families going through similar turmoil. Because if they can make it through, maybe I can too.
So if you’re in the happy camp, I don’t blame you one bit for skipping the sad posts I share here. Seriously. That was me eight short weeks ago. I totally get it. Don’t feel guilty or weird about it.
And if you do still choose to read them: bless you. You are stronger and kinder than I ever was.