Things I Never Thought I’d Say Before I Became a Mom

mom toddler glasses

Just for fun. These are actual sentences that my brain had to compose and my mouth had to aim at another human being. Note: if you are uncomfortable with the subject of boobs and breastfeeding, you might want to skip this one.

Oh, and if you’re uncomfortable with the subject of boobs and breastfeeding? You might want to get over that, because that’s how human beings eat for the first months/years of their lives.

Uh-oh, honey: did you just eat the Poopsmith’s hair?

[Clutching bosom, with a manic expression on my face] No — no more milk! You’ve been drinking milk all night and all morning already! You’re sixteen months old already. GOSH!! Don’t you want any brothers and sisters?!

Please get out of the pan, honey.

Please don’t lick Mommy’s face.

I said, Mommy doesn’t want her face licked.

Please don’t lick Mommy’s glasses, either.

Be careful with Mommy’s boobs.

You can’t step on Mommy’s boobs!

No, I don’t need you to wipe Mommy’s bum. Thank-you. No, really. Thank-you.

[Holding hand over left breast]: Nope. this one’s out of service. Use the other one.

Please stop gagging yourself.

I said no gagging.

Stop! No gagging! You’re making yourself puke!

Why do you keep gagging yourself? Why do I even need to make this a rule?

Sorry, honey. I only have two [boobs]; you’re not going to find a third one there.

I can’t twirl you right now. Mommy has to go pee-pee.

What kinds of things have you been amazed to hear come out of your mouth, whether as a parent or for some other reason?

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  1. I loved this post. I know crazy things come out of my mouth aimed at my 10. 7, and 6 years old, but for the life I me I can’t remember them all. Here’s a couple off the top of my head.

    1: Naked child stop running around the house!
    2: Don’t put your grubby hands on my face, Mommy doesn’t have time to pop zits.
    3: You get what you get and you don’t get upset.
    This happens at least once a week….
    4: Mom wants to pee in peace, go away!
    5: I don’t care if he’s hit you, let me pee in peace.
    6: If I have to “rush pee” to come down there, I’m going to take away Wii for a week.

    I love this blog. My friend Emily Williams shared your last post on time on FB and I’m so glad to have found you. I identify with many Anabaptist views, so I’m looking forward to reading your stuff on Mennonites. One of my first mentors was a Mennonite who taught me how to make the awesomest homemade bread. Ever. I’m adding you to my reader and blog roll now!
    Osheta Moore recently posted..Third Way Womanhood Pt.3My Profile

  2. you guys are adorable! i love this picture :)
    as far as the most common thing I keep saying lately…
    “are you done pooing?”
    “no, please don’t bite mommy…”
    Alison recently posted..Holy Family Support GroupMy Profile

  3. haha, great post. i definitely remember my son trying to find a third breast at one point. It was right around when he realized there were two. my baby has a tummy bug so i keep hearing myself say “please get out of your sister’s face. she has germs.” -b
    becca: exile fertility recently thoughts on weaning, at least for today.My Profile

  4. I’ve definitely discovered that certain topics have become a lot more “talkaboutable” since being pregnant, and now breastfeeding… I remember talking about my cervix and my uterus to a single guy friend before clapping my hand over my mouth and saying “Oh! but you probably don’t want to hear about that…” and my husband and I like to joke about how far my milk can squirt these days…. And once at Bible study I found myself nearly dozing while nursing Constance, and, feeling bad that our friend who was leading that night might feel like he was being boring, blamed it on “breastfeeding hormones” at which he blushed, and I think I ought to have just let him think he was boring…

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