(I started writing a What I’m Into post, but it quickly turned into this, so I decided to make that a separate post.)
March was full of amazing milestones with Felix. First time to the grocery story. First time to the library and the park. First time seeing dogs, chickens and cows. Amazing!
I wish I could have been filled with joy during all of these events.
Instead, I’ve been feeling nearly as much despair as I felt when we first got Felix’s life-threatening diagnosis.
We’re pretty sure he’s autistic.
I’ve had my sneaking suspicions since he was only a few weeks old, but recently one of his therapists expressed some concerns and now all of Felix’s little quirks and delays feel glaringly obvious to me.
Of course he’s autistic. Of course.
I go to sleep crying; I sleep fitfully; and I wake up with a deep sense of dread and grief. When we do go out and have fun I am constantly on the verge of tears. I’m never fully there.
I can’t think, I can’t cook. I can’t plan for the future. I am barely getting through the day.
This can’t be happening. Not again.
We haven’t gotten an official diagnosis, but I’m bracing myself for the worst. Autism runs in Ben’s family so I’m quite familiar with the symptoms. In fact, I’ve been quietly researching autism for years, half-expecting it to become relevant in my own kids eventually. I just really hoped I would never need to use it.
I’m grieving all over again. First we lost Felix’s infancy to SCID; now I’m watching my dreams for his future slowly die. Nothing is going the way I’d hoped it would.
I can feel that I have been absent from the world in the last weeks. I can’t seem to bring myself back. I still haven’t fully come back after those hellish months in the hospital.
Where have I gone?
I know in my mind everything will be okay and nothing has really changed. We love that baby so much and we want him in our lives desperately. God has been good to us.
But right now I’m just really, really, sad. I don’t know how long it will be before I am able to come back.
Maybe pray for me? And my poor family, and sweet Felix?