How I Went from Being a Thinker to a Maker

knitting edited

*Note: Please forgive this bit of shameless navel-gazing. Even though it’s completely self-centered, I thought I’d share this, in case anyone else can relate. It’s connected to my last post: Why I’m Not Writing a Book Right Now.*

A few weeks ago I was editing my Instagram profile — I think I was just temporarily changing the link to a specific blog post — when I was struck by my own description of myself: “Thinker.”

I’ve been using that word to describe myself since I started this blog six years ago. (You can still see it in my author description in the right column of the blog). I’d gotten used to it.

But all of a sudden, I noticed that it didn’t feel like it fit anymore.

For basically all my life, I probably could have described myself as a “thinker.” I’ve lived most of my life in my head. (My mom would attest to that. I’ve always been absent-minded, absorbed with my own thoughts.)

I ruminate. I imagine. I ponder. I reflect. I take things in and I dissect them with my brain. I’ve never been much of a talker or a doer.

That’s why my life has always revolved around the written word. Words are a thinker’s tools.

It made me rather clumsy and not very useful in the real world, but I thrived in an academic setting, which is where I spent the first 24 years of my life.

But that’s not the kind of person I was seeing reflected in my Instagram feed the other day.

My feed isn’t full of thoughts and words, like you would expect from a “thinker.” Instead, these days it’s mostly full of pictures of stuff I’ve made: bread I’ve baked. Hats I’ve crocheted. Artwork I’ve painted.

“Looks like I’m more of a maker,” I thought to myself for the first time.

Hmmm.

In recent years, my focus has shifted away from reading, writing, and thinking, to mastering new skills. Baking. Cooking. Painting. Knitting. That kind of thing.

I no longer read to learn new information nearly as much I do to learn new skills. And often, I find that watching videos is a more efficient way to learn these things than reading books. So I do a lot more of that.

In the last three years alone I have picked up crocheting, knitting, watercolor painting and sourdough baking. Before that it was gardening, preserving, cooking and blogging.

What changed?

Well, I graduated from university, for starters. When I stopped being a professional student I started to recognize the value of learning some life skills.

And shortly after that, I had a baby. I had to learn some additional new skills; and my brain got so worn out by the demands of caregiving that I couldn’t think like I used to. But in those early years of mothering I still devoured books and information, and spent a lot of time reflecting and writing.

And then I had a medically complex child who spent his first year in the hospital and everything came apart. Including my brain.

What exactly happened? What encouraged this shift from thinking to making?

Thinking became too difficult.

Having two kids in my care who never slept and who constantly needed my attention put a special strain on my mental capacities. I just didn’t have the brain space to think much anymore beyond what was immediately necessary for all our survival.

Making stuff is a bit easier on the brain, somehow.

basic sourdough boule recipe

Thinking became too painful.

Since the trauma of Felix’s hospitalization, and my family’s separation, displacement, and isolation, almost all thinking triggers pain. My brain became a stew of sadness and anxiety. To this day I have to carefully guard my thoughts at every turn to keep me from turning into a useless puddle of grief and worry.

Making and doing is much less painful.

Nobody gets hurt when I create.

I needed more beauty in my life.

Especially in the dull monotony of hospital life, I started to really notice what a difference beauty made in my life. The gorgeously-decorated Christmas trees in the halls of the pediatric ward somehow allowed me to take a deep breath and relax for just a moment. The carefully-tended flower beds at the Ronald McDonald House made me feel loved and cared for.

This need for beauty has carried on. I wanted not only to witness beauty, but to participate in it.

I get a feeling of peace and calm when I pull elegant loaves of artisan bread out of the oven. I love to lay beautiful liquid colours down on paper and watch flowers pop out of the flat whiteness. It energizes me. It brings me joy when everything else feels like crap.

watercolour lily

I needed to feel in control of parts of my life, when everything else  felt completely chaotic.

Ever since Felix was born, my life has felt largely out of my control. We weren’t able to pursue any of the parenting choices we wanted to make for him, from breastfeeding to co-sleeping and elimination communication. Doctors made all the decisions about how to treat him, how to feed him, and who could even see him. For several weeks, we didn’t even know if he would live.

I have felt so completely helpless in the face of his suffering and pain.

So it feels good to be able to pick out a ball of yarn in the colour of my choice, select a pattern, and knit a sweater, just the way I want it. At least I have control over this one little thing.

knitted pink pixie bonnet

I needed to feel productive, when I realized there was so little I could actually do to help my son.

This is kind of an extension of the first. When I couldn’t do anything else, I could knit my son a hat. When I can’t figure out why everyone in my family is so miserable, I can bake them some bread.

I can’t always solve my own or anyone else’s problems, but I can create something beautiful. That’s something, at least.

How about you? Have you experienced anything like this? Can you relate?

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Why I’m Not Writing a Book Right Now

hand writing

I recently received one of the most exciting emails of my life. One that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a child. (I mean, I’d never heard of email back then, but the essence of the dream was the same.)

It was from a publisher. A real, legitimate publisher, who has published books I have read and loved. They were interested in potentially working with me on a book.

You guys. I have wanted to be a published author since before I can remember. Books have always been my life, and I have always longed to be a part of that world. It’s the reason I started blogging in the first place, way back in 2009. The end goal was a book deal.

This is every dream come true. It’s the thing I’ve wanted to most in my life for the longest time.

I had to tell that that sadly, writing a book just isn’t going to work for me right now.

But why??? Why would I say something like that??? Why would I turn down my dream????

I haven’t given up on my dream; I’m just acknowledging that now isn’t the time for it. In case you’re wondering, here are a few of the reasons why I had to put that dream on hold.

I don’t feel I have any wisdom to share.

I used to think I had something to share with the world. That was before my universe fell apart, when I gave birth to a medically complex child, and I realized I knew nothing about anything.

It’s been three years now and I still don’t feel like I’ve learned anything.

I’m still at the stage of the journey where I’m shaking my fist at the universe, muttering, “This is bullshit.”

My soul feel shrunken and shrivelled. It barely made it through that difficult first year, and hasn’t really had a chance to heal. So far, I don’t think my trials have made me any stronger or wiser.

Here’s the honest truth, you guys. I’m bitter. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m busy and stressed out. I’m jealous. I’m resentful. I’m so lost and confused. More than I’ve ever been.

Three years into this journey and I’m so full of unresolved trauma and grief.

I still suffer from such debilitating envy that I’ve unfollowed almost anyone on social media who has two or more healthy children. I envy both their fertility and their ability to produce children without disabilities or life-threatening diseases. It’s so unfair!! This isn’t the life I wanted!!

I want to be that mom who can say in all sincerity, “I wouldn’t change anything about our story.” But at this point in my life, it’s just not true. I would change a bunch of things.

That doesn’t sound like someone who is ready to write a book.

I’m not ready to process my trauma.

You might think that writing would be therapeutic, that getting all my thoughts and feelings out on paper might help me process my trauma and grief. And you might be right.

I just don’t think I have the fortitude to do that right now.

Just writing this post has put me through the ringer. I pretty much sobbed through the whole thing. Talking about my feelings is draining. After this I’m going to fix myself an iced coffee and watch funny Youtube videos to recuperate.

I’m too damn busy and tired all the time.

This is honestly probably the biggest barrier.

Felix still doesn’t sleep through the night most nights. So I am always sleep-deprived.

Even though he’s three years old his needs are still those of an infant — we have to feed, bathe, diaper, and carry him everywhere. He’s still non-verbal and not walking, so he needs a lot of help navigating his world. He uses hearing aids and orthotics.

And the appointments! The bane of my existence. Clinic visits. Audiology. Speech therapy. Physiotherapy. Occupational therapy. I am constantly scheduling and going to appointments. Phone calls and emails are always cluttering up my to-do list. Most of those appointments involve experts giving me additional to-do lists. As an introvert, this is incredibly draining.

So yeah. I can’t add “write a book” to the demands of my life right now.

But maybe someday.

What I’m Into: October 2017

baby boy knitted cardigan

dog

boots

fritters

It’s so helpful for me to reflect on each month and think about the good things I did/read/made. It always makes me feel grateful. October wasn’t all apple fritters and pumpkin patches, but it did have a little bit of these things, and I guess that made it a pretty good month.

Here’s what I’ve been into.

Books

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. I probably would have enjoyed this book more if I’d ever watched any of the TV shows written by the author (Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, etc). But without that background, I still found the book thought-provoking and inspiring. She lives a very, very different life from me (e.g. unmarried by choice; successful career woman; etc); but I could still see myself in some aspects of her personality, especially her natural tendency to say no to things in favour of hiding at home alone. So I was encouraged by her story of learning to say yes to the things that scared her, and how that changed her life. She’s a very talented and engaging storyteller.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, narrated by Elijah Wood. I enjoyed the audio version of Tom Sawyer so much last month that I decided to listen to Elijah Wood reading Huck Finn. Unlike the first book, I’d never read this one, deeming it unreadable as a child, on account of the Southern U.S. dialect used throughout the entire narrative. (I’d have an easier time reading Middle English.) So I had no idea what was going to happen. At one point I actually yelled out loud, “No, Huck! Don’t do it!!”

And let me tell you, Wood’s narration is a treat. He nails that southern accent, as well as all the different voices and dialects of the sundry characters, bringing the whole thing to life. And just like the earlier book, this one is freaking hilarious! I was guffawing through the whole thing. Huck is such a charming little liar. I cheered aloud when he decides he’d rather go to hell than give up Jim.

The treatment of race is troubling, of course — I really don’t think this book is appropriate for children.  It is painful to hear the n-word used so much (well, at all). But I learned so much about what was happening in the U.S. in the 1800’s (so long ago, and yet so recent!), something I honestly haven’t read about extensively as a Canadian.

(P.S. Did you know Elijah Wood actually played Huck Finn in a 1993 Disney film version? I so want to track it down! He looks adorable in the trailer!) (P.P.S. You can get the audio version for only $1.99 if you buy the kindle version for $.99. What a deal!)

book

The Brutal Telling: A Chief Inspector Gamache Novel by Louise Penny. I love this series so much and the fifth novel did not disappoint. All our favourite characters are there, and the murder is dark and weird and intriguing. Penny’s writing is beautiful as always, and probes deeply into the human psyche. This book is the first in the series to introduce ambiguity at the end (Did Gamache arrest the right person??), and is also the first one that would not be great as a stand-alone novel (it has to be read in the context of the rest of the series. A lot of the subplot details would seem irrelevant and uninteresting to a first-time reader). (Note: if you get the audio version, MAKE SURE you get Adam Sims, not Ralph Cosham. The first is a magician; the latter is a disgrace.)

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I read this one aloud to Lydia, but it’s another classic I’d never read before myself. I’ve since learned that the translation I have is not the best one, and I wonder how different the experience might have been with a better translation.

Parts of it are breathtakingly beautiful; but for the most part I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. I’d seen the movie and thought it was absolutely spectacular; the book kind of disappointed. Also, the dark and ambiguous ending didn’t seem quite appropriate for a six-year-old.

Television

OH MY GOODNESS STRANGER THINGS SEASON 2!!!!!!

We watched the whole season over the course of the first weekend it was released,* and I am still speechless. Those child actors blow me away. I love everybody so much. The storytelling is fantastic. Just . . . wow.

Either you’ve already seen it too or you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll just leave it at that.

*(The weather was garbage)

Knitting

knitted baby cardigan

I knitted a sweater! It took me approximately one zillion hours. It’s by far the most complicated thing I’ve knitted so far. Knitting involves a lot of math and counting, you guys! But it was a fun challenge and I’m delighted by the finished results. Look at those sweet wooden buttons!

baby boy sweater

I knitted it for a dear friend who was going to have a baby, and finished the day he was born! Honestly, though, the baby was just an excuse to knit something that excited me.

Oh, and I knitted another pixie bonnet for another little friend, who just had a birthday.

knitted pink pixie bonnet

I got Felix to model it.

pink pixie bonnet

If  you’re into this kind of thing, you can get all the details on these project on Raverly.

…Aaaaand that’s a wrap for this month.

Hope you had a good one!

*As usual, linking up with Leigh Kramer.

*Post contains affiliate links. Thanks for supporting the site!

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